BEARDSPLOITATION: A Man-ifeasto

16 Feb

 

I LOVE objectification. I am basically checking everybody out all the time. Regardless of sex or gender. I am like a randy teenage boy and a middle-aged female vampire all rolled into one. Also, as I like to say because it is very true: I am a gay bear, trapped in a woman’s body. It isn’t easy being sleazy, but it is awesome.

This city is seething with hot people all the effing time, and I don’t really look at them like objects. I don’t look at human people like a goddamned toaster or a hairbrush or something. I look at them like a real yummy sammich with all kinds of melty cheese coming out the sides. I like the term objectification. I like being objectified myself, frankly. But I will objectify your ass right back at you. Especially your ass. I mean, isn’t that what we’re all doing in the world? Looking at each other like the next best dinner? Sure, I get real sick of the whole bikini clad, tits bobbing, car commercial, mannified bullshit that has been pumped down our gullets since birth. But that’s why my favorite kind of objectification is of the man-variety. Beardsploitation!

Now, I am going to go ahead and use this academicky phrase, and picture a bikini clad hottentot shouting it on the rooftop with her sexy little fists raised (because we all know bikinis help sell things): SUBVERT THE DOMINANT GENDER PARADIGM! You’re gonna love doing this, people. It is sooo fun.

So now you’re probably wondering, whilst you eat that cherry popsicle in the bathtub you naughty schoolgirl you, “How can I start subverting the dominant gender paradigm, and stop feeling like a feckless little pippensqueak?” (Don’t worry oppositely gender identified people, I will get to your own subversion tactics in the next post, but she comes first).

Ima tell you how, ladies. Just a few handy subversion tactics to start our female world takeover. If everyone acted like this, there would be a lot less bullshit and a lot more fun:

  • Don’t hide them prying eyes. Do not let the passerby escape your female gaze. Take your sunglasses down and give him a good once over, preferably while pursing your lips together super sassy-like, and saying mmm-hmm. Feel free to channel your favorite gay man when doing this. There is a reason why gay men are so amazing and the mmm-hmm is part of it (if only they would sleep with me). Hang out outside of fire stations and police stations, HOOT at the men in uniform. It is so funny how men in uniform react to this kind of behavior from women. They get all shy. It’s cute.

    Mmmm, cheesy TV cops.

  • Ask him out! This one seems stupid, but seriously, why are so many ladies sitting around waiting for dudes to hit on them? This is the first step which may well lead to you seeing him naked. So you better give it a shot, ladies. Number one subversion tactic here. You don’t have to act like a scary maneater (even if that is my approach), but you could maybe make a goddamned move, couldn’t you? Directness never hurt anyone, and it certainly is better than sitting around wondering why a fella isn’t falling out of the sky into your lap. While you’re at it, say something like “I really dig the way your ass looks in those skinny jeans, sugar. Lemmie buy you dinner sometime.” Who cares if he says no, you’ve got swagger! Also, don’t you dare think that because you are being aggressive you are acting desperate or something. That is so NOT subverting the gender paradigm. That whole cat and mouse game has gotten real stale, quite frankly.
  • Make him dress up for you. Once the man has fallen out of the sky into your, er, lap, you should really make him dress up for you. Boys nowadays are total strutting peacocks, let’s face it. Strutting all about in them dandy threads. They like to be told they look good. Make them feel all fuzzy tingly and say so.

 

Look at this dapper dandy!

 

The queen of SF prettyboy swagger, Brian Wilson

Mmm, yes, Russia

 

  • Buy him flowers and lingerie. Buy him pink roses with a little bit of that lacy white baby’s breath in the mix. Buy him some sexy manpanties and make him wear them for you. Preferably ones like this.

 

HELLOOO kitty!

 

  • Get a fuzzy pet. Well, this one is just for me maybe, but by golly, I sure do love me a fuzzy bear type. The bearded fuzzyface is a splendid specimen of manhood. Maybe you didn’t think Magnum P.I. was a fox, but I did. Maybe you are more into the hipster beardy types that are sprouting up like sweet beardy weeds all over this fine land. Whatever it is, the mannyness is uncanny. Feast your eyes on this.  Beardsploiting subverters should definitely put any and all specimens of epic beardhood into a smoking jacket, with their chest hair peaking out, and take saucy manny photographs and send them to ME! maria@shamonica.com, There is a sad lack of these kinds of photographs on the world wide interweb, so it’s time we start collecting them. Think: exploited.

    You've been floored!

    Detective Stabler on a bearskin rug, I am about to get arrested!

    Or put him in some sassy swimwear!

    Sigh, the pain of exploitation hurts so good

I dunno what this fuzzy loverboy is looking for, but I'm gonna help him find it.

Aw honey, you can't hide!

So there you go. That’s a start. I bet you’ve already got your objectification goggles on and you’re looking out the window at your next door neighbor in a whole new way. Like he’s a sirloin steak and you’re hungry like the wolf.

Whatever you're doing, Justin Theroux, it's working for me.

 

There’s all this stupid crap out there about how women aren’t as “visual” as men, well I think that’s a whole lotta hoopla, and I am not the only one. Women appreciate a fine sexified strutting beardy peacock just as much as the readers of Maxim like to stare into the vast promise of photoshopped lady cleavage. We just haven’t been exercising this muscle. So what I say to you, women of the earth is: OBJECTIFY!

 

She asked him out. Then this happened!

 

annnd...scene!

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